Trauma causes a permanent alteration to the brain, whether that trauma was created physically or through experience. Your mind is now wired to expect the worst, always keeping an eye around the corner in case someone pops out to try and rape you or put a gun to your head. Your brain can sometimes trick you into thinking you're in a different reality. Soldiers hear sirens and gunshots when there is no such noise. I hear my father's voice telling me I'm worthless and the voices of other students at school calling me a whore, or daddy's little bitch. These things stick with us.
My brain produces too much adrenaline. Normally, adrenaline is used to heighten the senses and help a person accomplish something or escape something. I have it running through me constantly, so everything is heightened. I notice tiny useless details and during moments of extreme stress, my memory is impeccable. My brain analyses things and makes assumptions that are not true. To prevent misunderstandings I have to be very careful how I respond to people and keep a level of self awareness that is exhausting.
I also happen to have the unfortunate gift of being easily triggered. Trigger is a word people have been using very lightly in recent years. It's not just feeling emotional, it is literally flipping a switch to force a response. I have no control over my triggers and something as simple as touch can throw my mind into an old memory. Because my memory is impeccable I re-experience the trauma in vivid detail.
My disability doesn't discriminate. It doesn't matter how much I trust you, or if you're family, or just some stranger passing by who sees me struggling and wants to help. In fact, the more I trust you, the more likely you are to trigger these experiences, which can sometimes include lashing out in fear. My trauma was caused by people of trust. I am deathly afraid of hurting someone in this uncontrollable state, especially someone I love.
My biggest trigger is anger, even frustration can put me in a state of paralysing fear. My father was angry a lot. Screaming, loud noises, banging doors, and feeling trapped all push me closer to panic attacks. When I'm scared like this I close my doors. I can't communicate. If I'm forced to face a frightening situation my response can be abrupt, rude, or even angry. I'm not angry though. I'm just scared of something and I want to be left alone.
I am very lucky. My mother kept my family together during a time of extreme hell. She found me an amazing therapist who has allowed me to understand myself and why people respond to me the way they do. I understand trauma and the motivations it causes better then most. I can go through the motions and seem normal most if the time, even though it goes against the way I actually feel. But don't let it trick you. I still need some accommodations, even if you don't understand what I'm going through.
My hope is that this article can help partners, friends, and family of people with PTSD and agoraphobia. There are reasons behind what we do. We are not trying to hurt you, but if you feel you are being hurt you need to find help right away. Go to therapy together, but also go to therapy by yourself so your therapist can explain what's going on without worrying about the other person's response. Therapy is not a sign that you're crazy, it's a sign that you're sane. Take your time to find a good therapist. I went through 14 doctors before finding the one I've been with for 18 years.
Despite everything I go through every day, I believe I'm a very happy person. I don't have normal relationships with people, but they are far more functional than they could have been. I think my therapy has even helped me be more functional in some areas than a normal person would. There are a few benefits also, my impeccable memory can be useful sometimes. And when I'm faced with an actual dire situation I am the first to take action, no hesitation, no doubting myself. I'm a dangerous force when faced with unfavorable odds. I think that makes me beautiful.
